2003-10-18 - 10:44 p.m.
In mid March my friend Frannie's husband died of a cancer no-one is supposed to die from, basil cell carcinoma. The beginning of March Bobby was so sick. I remember working and taking care of Bobby and trying to be there for Fran and spending time at the hospital with her. I felt so fragmented and stressed. There just were not enough hours in the day. I ended up completely exhausted. One of the dentists that Tim worked for had a small affair at his house for Fran and family and friends after the funeral. I got rear ended on the way to the funeral, not seriously, just a little bump, and had to go right home as soon as it was over. I have all these expectations for myself, and really beat myself up for not being there for her. As soon as I got home we called 911 and Bob went in for his last hospitalization. When he finally was able to return home he said then that this is it, I will never go back to the hospital. I am so grateful that we talked as often and as openly about his impending death as we did. Bobby never did have any trouble getting his point across.
So today Frannie picked me up and we went shopping for a funeral suit. We had lunch and went to the florist and ordered flowers. I picked out a heart shaped red and white rose arrangement from me and a single daisy spray with a ribbon that says Papa from each of the grandchildren and Deuce. It felt so weird, like someone else was having that conversation with the florist and someone else was shopping and eating. I kept looking at the time and realised I was worried about Bobby and didn't want to be gone too long. I feel so fragmented and as if I am walking through someone else's life.
After all the years of doing the right thing by Bobby in spite of the resentments that creeped in sometimes and the pooor poor meing that popped up I am free from that job now. I can do anything I want. I don't have to take care of my children, they are grown. I don't have to take care of Bobby, he's gone. I don't know how to NOT do those things. I don't know how to take care of just Me. The house is so empty without him.
Jesus said: The fruit of the Spirit is love,joy,peace,patience,kindness,goodness,faithfulness,gentleness, and self-control. Galatians 5:22
