2003-10-20 - 5:26 a.m.
Iam walking through a dream....Oh so dramatic. I am ok and will be ok. Just doesn't feel that way. The obit is in the paper today. I thought they made a mistake, it says Bobby died on Thursday. I had to ask the girls and they said "Mom, he died on Thursday". Why did I think it was Wednesday?
Kathy picked me up yesterday morning and fed me an egg McMuffin (I forgot to eat?)She took me to We Care for that Sunday morning meeting. I never walk in those doors without feeling HOME. Jessie chaired and all the familiar faces and familiar comforting hugs and long term sobriety. J asked me did I want to share before the meeting and I told her no please. 10 minutes into the meeting and I hear this whispering and realise M.J. is at the back of the room. God never sleeps! I thought she died already! So she looked exactly the same...ancient and withered and wise, with those long, long fingers. I had to go and hug her and talk a little and it practically turned into a speaker meeting for M.J., not that anyone minded. Before the meeting was over I did share and told the story of how she gave me my interview for entering the house in the back bathroom and they made room for me even though the house was FULL at the time. I have not "done" A.A. the way they say to do, haven't made a meeting sometimes for months in the last few years. The things I did do right have saved my ass. I connected on such a deeply personal level with a diverse group of the most interesting, compassionate, funny, wonderful sober women. My walls were so high before A.A. I had a fortress built around me that no-one could enter. Sure, I had my bar friends and work friends and party animal friends, but other than Marcia and Frannie, I never let anyone in. We Care changed all that for me. They taught me how to be honest and open and to listen and to feel. They taught me how to give and to receive love. Thank God for that. I always played this mental bullshit game with myself. What would make it ok to drink? What if Bobby died? What if something tragic happened to one of the kids? What if What if What if....BULLSHIT!!! I HAVE WANTED TO DRINK SO BADLY THIS LAST MONTH, WANTED THAT OBLIVION, RELEASE, THAT WARMTH THAT SPREADS THROUGH YOUR CHEST. Thank God I didn't drink. Sherry called a couple few times, Kathy showed up at the front door and called, Found an old friend from High School on the internet who has been struggling with sobriety and life, Spoke with Terry F., who has had her own struggles. Many reasons not to drink, many little coincidences that kept me sane and sober. I left We Care thanking God in my heart of hearts for sobriety.
I have been so strong and competent and tough through this whole long ordeal. Now I sometimes feel like I am falling apart. I start shaking in my stomach. So weird, like my stomache is hiccupping. Then it spreads to my arms and legs and then I feel faint and dizzy and break out in a sweat..My hair is falling out in clumps. I am sure it is just stress, but will call Dr. Sarah today anyways.
Yesterday took all nine grandkids and bought them funeral attire. They will all look great. Bobby will be proud. Found Bobby's dd214 and faxed it to the Mortuary so they will arrange an Army flag presentation at the service. We have all decided Bry should accept the flag. He shared caretaker duties with me for his Papa. Of all the kids, he is the one I am most concerned for. They were incredibly close companions and co-conspiritors. Since that piece of s**t father of his is still in jail, Papa was father AND grandfather to him.
We have all banded together...The clan is united...Hope it stays that way. Somehow all those petty family resentments and little spats have just disappeared. Today I speak with the minister conducting the Memorial Service. Karen and Deanna will both go with me. Then I think I will finally get that pedicure I have needed for months now and a manicure. Hell, maybe I'll even get a long overdue haircut and a massage!!
Jesus said: I tell you the truth, whoever hears my word and believes my Father, has eternal life. John 5:24
