2003-10-25 - 6:37 a.m.
The Service went better than I thought it would. The kids and grandkids all looked great and behaved very well. Even Deuce who slept through it all. I felt surrounded by love.
We (the family) all came home after and it was good to be together. Bobby paid for "one last drunk" for his buddies. The party was on him at the Dispensary. Ken went for us as a family representative. In retrospect I am sure Bobby set that up to protect me as well as to say goodbye to the guys. My obsession and compulsion for alcohol magically disappeared. I struggled so after my last relapse. I remember thinking I would never be free of that all consuming desire. Bobby, still trying to protect me from me, even after he's gone. Ken came here about 11 that night toasted. He said a good time was had by all. I am pretty sure I would not have had to drink if I went, but why take chances?
Friends from work brought all the flowers back to the house after the Service. I sent one arrangement home with each one of the kids and each one of the grandkids and still have over 20 arrangements in the house. Pam and Rita and Olivia cleaned everything up and made me "SIT BOO BOO!!" while they worked.
The whole family went to church that night, together, even DD and Ted. Every one of Bobby's kids came to me separately and in their own way thanked me for taking care of him and said we're still family, not to worry, we will stick together. It was comforting. I have been so pissed at Ken, DD, Keith, each of them at different times. None of that seems important now. I am not mad anymore and it feels good. Karen, always the ROCK, still strong and still the pick of the litter. I value her friendship and love and courage the most. Without Karen and Kim, I know I would not have had the strength to keep Bobby at home in the end.
This whole last week feels unreal....
Yesterday got a letter from the bank saying It has been brought to out attention that the primary member on this account has died....Gee, thanks for the information....I wonder how they find out? Maybe there is someone in a national data bank somewhere that just looks for obits? What a shitty job that would be.
The worst is I just seem to be incapable of finishing anything, cleaning out a drawer or making a phone call or loading the dishwasher. I have always taken care of everything...Now, I just can't seem to get it together.
Last night Krissy and Pete and Forest flew back to Boston.Today I am going to clean out Bobby's dresser and maybe the closet. I want to move downstairs to the small bedroom and give Kim and Pat the master. I am going to buy a little vanity and a twin bedroom set. I am going back to work Tuesday night. Been home long enough. There should be a book written on Funeral Etiquette. Maybe there is, I'll look at the bbokstore today. So many calls to return and thank you notes to be written. I suppose I will do it when I can.
I am glad it is over. Glad Bobby isn't suffering anymore, glad I am not suffering anymore either. I am afraid and sad and lonely for him, missing him so much already. I miss his humor and wit, his strength and courage. Even sick HE took care of ME. People are saying all the right things, all the comfort things, all the stuff they say at times like this. What they don't know is even though he was sick, even though it was hard hard work caring for him, I WAS THE LUCKY ONE.
