2003-10-21 - 7:12 a.m.
Even though Bobby set everything up for us, there is still so much to be done. Yesterday D.D. and Karen went to the pastor with me and it was much harder than I anticipated. So glad they were with me. Krissy ordered up all the food trays and grocery shopped. Jeff is making the picture boards. Pat cleaned the patio and set up out there. The worst are the phone calls. I don't even know most of these men calling. They all are saying kind and funny things. I have no idea how many people will be there. At first I thought family and a few friends, but it looks like Bobby had so many more friends than I ever knew. People are calling with stories like "I know you don't know me but in 1982 your husband saved my job and really saved my life and He was the finest Boss I ever had and the man was a legend and yada yada yada". Calling everyone back will have to wait.
I was married to the IRON MAN for so many years, but to me he was just Bobby. I'de listen to all those Casino Stories whenever they got together and just smile. So he left an envelope for the "BOYS" $1000. Told me to give it to Phil D for one last drunk on him. Said if there was anything left, give it to the bartender..Always was A TRUE GEORGE. Ken will go to the party for the family, I know I just can't. He will tell the story of how I found him laughing his ass off on the computer one day, writing his own obit, telling everyone he died of AIDS. He said, "think I want all those guys f###ing you after I'm gone?" Everytime I think of him I think of one of those funny things he did or said, right up to the end he kept me laughing, kept pulling one over on me, always the trickster, the joker. We are going to play Jeremiah Was A Bullfrog at the end of the funeral and everyone that really knew him will laugh. I don't think I ever saw him get really plastered that he didn't start singing that song and doing that stupid dance with 2 left feet and not a lick of rhythm in his whole body.
I'm semi falling apart. I was so strong through all these years of taking good care of him, why lose it now? I start shaking all over and my hair is falling out. I went to a different shop yesterday for mani and pedi and haircut. Roy Orbison song Anyhting You Want played on the radio and I started sobbing in the pedicure chair and I apologised and said I just lost my husband and the whole shop became silent and I felt like such an ass. I'm glad I won't ever go back there and who gives a shit anyways! Thank God for Margie and Kathy and Frannie and We Care Women and being sober now. I know drunk I wouldn't get anything done, couldn't walk through this. Last night I slept with his stinky old bathrobe under my head and it smelled like him and it helped me sleep. I got rid of the narcotics, don't want to go there. The rest I'll do later. We will donate all the medical equipment somewhere later, clean his closet later. His sons are emotional basket cases and all the girls are rocks, go figure. At least we are all together.
My faith is still the same wishy-washy-believe one minute and don't the next. It's ok.
Jesus said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:40
